anthroblogy

First U/S: Results

2006-11-15T13:04:00.000-07:00

:)

We saw and heard the heartbeat: 134 bpm. Happy Embryo is measuring at 7w2d (a bit of an overachiever, since I am exactly 7 weeks today. But I'm not complaining). Everything looks really good. Dr. Swami isn't releasing me to the care of my OB just yet -- not because he has any concerns, just that he wants to see this through as far as he can. Also, IF something goes wrong, I'd rather Swami handle my care instead of my OB/Gyn. As much a I really like my OB, and although I've been with him for over a year and he's performed one of my surgeries, it seems more appropriate to keep Swami involved if it goes tits up. I guess I'm not ready to transition either!

So, tonite, after class gets out, I am treating myself to a shopping trip at Gap Maternity for a pair of those jeans that don't look like maternity pants but have the promise of being a heck of a lot more comfortable than anything I currently own.

Closing it down

2006-11-03T09:21:00.000-07:00

Hi all,

I am closing down my blog on Sunday. There are a few reasons for this, primarily because I don't have time for much blogging right now. Another reason is that I really don't feel comfortable being out and about in the IF blogging world. I think I'm too sensitive for this type of anonymous relationship with people that I don't know.

I read a comment posted on another reader's blog that stated those of us IF's with postive betas make it sound so simple. I really really really resent this remark.. this way of thinking that is so counter to what I expected from other infertiles. It was sort of an eye opener. I truly believe that everyone has an energy that they transmit. In reading this comment, I felt for the first time a negative energy when I was expecting something positive. I mean, I really felt it and it doesn't feel good. So, I'm retreating a bit because I don't think that my life needs to be an open read for people with this kind of mean and negative energy.

So, here's my last bit of openness.. my timeline with IF, or how fucking simple it has been for me over the last 3 years:

09/03: Two trips to the emergency room experiencing god awful pain. During the first trip, I think I have appendicitis. After a variety of intrusive, painful and embarasssing procedures, I am told they cannot rule out appendicitis because my appendix is not viewable due to the very large endometrioma blocking the view. In the second visit, I am there because I am convinced the endometrioma has ruptured. More blinding pain, intravenous narcotics.

10/03: Laparotomy (as in the full abdominal surgery that left me with a six inch scar above my pubic bone) to remove the endometrioma that is the size of a baseball. I spend three days in the hospital. My bloodpressure falls to scary levels. I have an echocardiogram that reveals MVP. I spend six plus weeks recovering. Initially, I cannot get out of bed on my own, shower alone, or even put on my underwear without Mr. Ax's help. I use a pillow against my stomach everytime I have to use the bathroom.

08/05: Diagnosed with another endometrioma and likely other bits of endo attached to internal organs. In between diagnosis and surgery, I make another trip to the ER. Only this time, I am pulled off the highway in an ambulance. The very hot and dreamy ambulance guys think I have a kidney stone. I think the cyst has burst. In the hospital I am given IV meds, the most powerful painkillers they have. I find out that the cysts--- there are actually two, one on each ovary, are still intact. What I have is a bad case of gas. Yes. Gas.

09/05: Laparoscopy to remove endometriomas and more endo on various internal organs. Some ovarian tissue is lost, but we are still hopeful that we will get pregnant if only we time intercourse with those ovulation predictor kits.

I pee on those sticks for months.

06/06: Failed round of clomid with an IUI. My ovaries didn't really respond to clomid. I am diagnosed wiht Premature ovarian failure with an FSH of 14. My RE asks if we're interested in donor eggs. Instead, we opt for one and only one round of IVF. But before we get started, I have another surgery!

08/06: Laparoscopy to remove more endometriomas, scar tissue, adhesions. I lose more than 1/2 of my ovaries. My right side is literally a sliver of ovarian tissue. The left is a little less than half. RE tells me that if we weren't TTC, he would have removed my ovaries, at least my right during this surgery. Instead, he left as much as he could hoping the tissue will have something redeeming left.

09/06: Prep for IVF with the second round of BCP I've taken in my entire life.

10/06: Start IVF injections. I am a slow responder. One of the RE's in the practice starts talking to us about canceling the cycle. He thinks that IVF is our own possibility for getting pregnant and that my tubes are probably not working right (as in grabbing the egg after ovulation) because of the scar tissue on the tubes. We think this is a good possibility, too. But we ignore him and continue on. We are devastated for a few days following our appt with him.
My regular RE wants to keep going. He just wants one good egg. I really wanted four, but in the end, we only got one mature egg out of about 8 follicles. I cry.

I'm sure you can imagine the emotional shit through all of this. Let's take a minute and look at the financial stuff. Every time I have a surgery, we hit our out of pocket maximum for the year with our insurance. So, while this means that they start paying 100% for everything afterwards, it also means that we have to pay, about $2500 a year for my medical stuff. So, at this point we have spent close to $7500 just to have my ovaries removed, cleaned up, and prepared to get the ONE good egg that has gotten us this far pregnant.

The $7500 does not include prescriptions (I have a mini-pharmacy of meds) and it does not include the thousands we had to cough up in cash for our one round of IVF (our insurance has a little bit of IVF coverage, enough for about 1/2 of one cycle).

This post is starting to head toward the direction of being the one where I do NOT talk about survivor's guilt (where you feel bad that you got pregnant while your IF friends are still struggling). I don't feel guilty. I do wish success for everyone that has to experience the pain and loss of infertility. I wish no one had to experience it because it sucks. But I do not feel guilty that I am currently 5w2d pregnant. In fact, I am enjoying every single day that I get to be pregnant with this embryo. It may not last the full 9 months, but everyday of it will be focused on happiness and gratitude rather than worry and guilt.

4w3d

2006-10-28T08:06:00.000-06:00

Beta results are in = it's positive! I am currently 4w3d.

We're thrilled, but cautious. Our first u/s is scheduled for 11/15 with our RE. We're not telling many people (incl. Mr Ax's parents) just those that have been there for us during this process and know what's going on. So, if I know you IRL, please don't mention our news to anyone just yet. Thank you, everyone for every call, comment, email and good thought you've sent our way. It really means a lot to us. I sincerely mean it when I say that I have felt every good vibe you lovely people have sent out for us.

I am sorta stunned that it worked at all. It's pretty crazy to get pregnant in your first round of IVF with the retrieval of only 2 eggs (one mature, one not) with one that fertilized and actually made it to transfer.

Thursday. I did not POAS afterall - sort of. I intended to, infact, went to grab a HPT from under the sink, pulled the last wrapper from the box and um.. it was empty! Can you imagine how LONG that empty wrapper in a box has been taking up space under my bathroom sink? Months.. probably 5 months. I did have one last Clear B.lue Ea.sy digital OPK test so I peed on that and was quite pleased to see the little digital smiley face indicating I had ovulated. I've heard that these also detect HCG and It was nice to see that smiley face be definitive for once.

For my IF friends who care about beta numbers:

1st beta, 10dp3dt: 74
2nd beta, 13dp3dt: 444!

Love and hugs to you all!

Rollercoaster

2006-10-24T21:35:00.000-06:00

Thanks to not-so-fertile girl, I now know how to add links to my sidebar! yeah! Now, i just need to figure out how to create links in my posts.

Despite my small html-ing triumph, I'm feeling a bit down. I took four, count them FOUR luxurious hours off from my life and parked myself on the couch this evening when I returned home from the museum. It's not as though there isn't plenty to do. I'm fond of lists:

- IRB (institutional review board) certification that needs completion
- paper due in the next week
- study group meeting in addition to classes tomorrow and Thursday
- plus all of the reading for tomorrow and Thursday
- two fifteen minute interviews that need to be conducted and transcribed before next week.

I have a lot to do, but can't seem to be bothered to do any of it. I just want to know if I'm fucking pregnant (lovely way to refer to the miracle of life, no?).

It is tempting to POAS, but know that it's kind of meaningless for me because of the HCG shots and most likely I will see two pink lines that only mean that the hormone is still floating around in my system. Hmm. is it insane of me to POAS just to see what two pink lines look like? I mean, just for the experience? Even if I know that it doesn't necessarily mean it's so? I could even manage pulling together one of those hallmark moments and present Mr. Ax with the two-pink lines and a onesie or something, just to see what it would be like if it were actually pregnant, and surprised by it all, and certain that everything was going to be just great.

And now I'm silently sobbing feel pretty sorry for myself. Pathetic really.

I am really sick of feeling pregnant without knowing if I am. It's a bit cruel to physically feel this way when it's only meds. Ever the optimistic, I just realized the one pregnancy symptom I am NOT experiencing ... constipation. And it is pleasing to know that my body can do one thing right, even if it's crappy.

Oh jesus. I just made myself laugh.

"So tired, tired of waiting, tired of waiting for yoooouuuu!"

2006-10-24T09:20:00.000-06:00

Still in my 2ww, and first beta is today. Mum left yesterday and we got crafty with Halloween and Turkey day decorations while she was here. I even got a bit ahead of myself and bought a few items for Christmas decorating. By the end of the weekend, I was all crafted out -- but we went back to the craft stores to see if there was anything else that would inspire us. There wasn't.

I am really sick of the PIO shots. My cheeks are black and blue. Even more annoying are the pregnancy symptoms (heartburn, tender breasts, sleepiness, food aversions, cravings, CM, tightness in abdomen). Of course, my mum is absolutely certain that I am pregnant because of my symptoms. I have tried and tried and tried explaining to her that the 3 HCG shots I've had post-transfer plus the daily PIO injections into my arse will cause symptoms that mimic pregnancy. She remembers in that little instant, but soon forgets when I complain of heartburn two hours later. Argh.. Goodness, I love her.. but it can be super frustrating. I am glad she came out, tho -- we had a good weekend together.

Mr. Ax leaves tomorrow morning for the Bay Area and returns Thursday nite (just in time for our 2nd beta on Friday). I have to find a neighbor with whom I'm comfortable revealing a pasty cheek and a bit of crack to give me the shot Thursday morning. Have I mentioned that we've only known these folks since everyone (including us) moved in over the summer? Nothing like getting right up in my crack to forge a friendship. Lovely.

Still haven't figured out how to link cyclesistas on my blog. Blogger rots. If you're reading this and you know how to link to something in blogger, please let me know.

Bored outta my freakin' gourd

2006-10-16T12:40:00.000-06:00

Holy. freakin.' mother. of. all things delicious and good. I AM BORED. No amount of Bourdieu and his habitus is sufficient for keeping me entertained. I can feel my arse widening with every hour that passes. My cheeks are falling asleep and when I shift the dang PIO shot marks kinda aches. And since my buttocks are sporting marks on both cheeks, well, you can imagine.

One of my classmates thinks that I'm lucky cos I have time to read the interesting books that I want to read instead of just the assigned pdf's. Good god, there is only so much anthropological theory a girl can digest in a day. Har har.. even I naively thought that I could get through a couple of them between Saturday and this Wednesday. And worst, worst of all, today, we are discussing my research area and I won't be there to dazzle, amaze and annoy my advisor/prof and classmates with my highly opinionated and heavily researched tidbits.

No, no... but I will be able to tell you all what is happening wiht Mimi and Shawn. Cos, that's thre real important shit. Not, like I thought before going gungho with IVF, my graduate degree and um, future or anything.

Transfer - Complete!

2006-10-15T09:56:00.000-06:00

Yesterday was transfer day and it went very well. We had one gorgeous, 8-cell, non-fragmented embryo that happily slid via catheter into my uterus. The docs were very ubeat, "couldn't have been better!" "Perfect transfer!" "Gorgeous uterus!" I feel pretty upbeat about it, too.

We really like our clinic (although not that one nurse in particular all that much). I feel fortunate to say this after reading so many IF blogs where some of these docs are full on quacks. We know we're in good hands.

When our embryologist told us he had performed assisted hatching on our one-and-only-yet-perfect-embryo, we were rather alarmed. We didn't know they were going to do this, and I'd not heard that much about it. Apparently, they do everything within their power to give the embryo the best chance of hatching - and he didn't kill it in the process, so um.. bonus? Unlike most other fertility practices, ours will not call us with the results from our progressive HCG Beta tests. There are a series of blood draws that I have between now and 10/27. As we get closer to 10/27, the beta numbers will give us an idea of whether this embryo is going to stick around. Usually, RE's will tell you this first number, but ours wants us to wait until the pregnancy test on 10/27. I'm ok with that. I'd rather not freak out about our betas and google the numbers and guess out of my ass if it all means that I'm indeed, still pregnant. I can wait. Ms. Impatient can practice patience. In the meantime, I am supposed to play like I am pregnant (well, I guess I am pregnant.. there's an embryo dividing and growing inside of me, it's just not necessarily implanted itself into my uterus - yet).

I'm on bedrest for the next five days. Mom is coming out on Wednesday, Mr. Ax is going out of town for a sailing trip on Thursday (eMBA related). I'm a bad bed rester. Seriously, it's effin' boring. I paid to have the whole house cleaned on Friday --- what decadence! I can seriously get used to someone cleaning my house. I resisted the urge to sort of jump in and help out (am I a sicko or what?) Except now, there's nothing to clean and I know that is the point, but I'm effin' bored, not supposed to be cleaning, there's nothing to clean anyway, but I can't stop myself from inspecting the cabinetry and wondering if I ought to break out the cleaner/polish to spiff em up a bit. Maybe it's time to give myself a manicure/tear up my cuticles.

Retrieval Day

2006-10-11T22:48:00.000-06:00

I haven't bothered posting these past few days because they've been up and down and all over the place. Our frequent trips to Dr. Swami's office to monitor follicle growth were tiring. We weren't sure if we would get to a retrieval, but lo and behold, we had one today.

Retrievals are performed under general anesthesia (at least at Swami's. I've read that some women are semi-conscious, but not me.. snoring and twitching away. Mr. Ax was there, and claims I did not do anything embarassing or weird. I didn't even fart. Yeah!). I'm too lazy to describe the rest of the procedure, but basically, the Dr. goes through your vajajay to retrieve the "eggs" using an assortment of devices and techniques.

Sadly, out of the 6 follicles that required 14 days of stims to grow, only 2 eggs were retrieved. Hmph. We might not get any embryos and won't know until Thursday if either of them fertilized. There's no reason to believe they won't fertilize, but there's always the possibility. There's also the possibility that they DO fertilize, but are not good enough for transferring. We won't know how good they are until Friday.

The real joker of the day, tho.. was our IVF Nurse.. the same one that I wrote about earlier ("Oh, let me give you a hug!"). In response to my weeping and utter disappointment that we only retrieved two eggs, she responded, "it's in the hands of a higher-power. We can only control so much." Mr. Ax and I just looked at her and didn't say anything -- seriously. I'm sitting in the recovery room, wondering WhyTF my BP is suddenly 136/70, and this dumb bitch decides to invoke God's Plan as an explanation for my infertility. She walked out of the room to retrieve something and when she returned, immediately apologized for her dumbass comment. But her apology was more along the lines of suggesting that we might not believe in God.

I can't stand her. And yes, she did give me a fucking hug as we got into the car.

Our transfer (if we have one) is scheduled for Saturday. My mom is coming out next Wednesday (if we have a transfer), since Mr. Ax has a biz trip planned for later in the week. I'm glad that she's coming out.. except today, I feel like I want to be left alone. I really wanted to get 4 eggs out of this.

Fortnight

2006-10-05T09:06:00.000-06:00

sorry for the lack of updates and info. I've been tired.

Good news: cysts were benign.

We've been administering shots twice per day for the last week, and a possible retrival date of 10/10. The conventional wisdom is that you're supposed to take IVF one day at a time (remember that show?) and that's great and everything for celebrating small steps. But when you get bad news, or news that isn't even so bad, just not great, one day at a time really rots. It's a whole day of despair. Like Saturday's ultrasound which showed a handful of follicles all under 10mm and an e2 of 12. I spent the whole day in tears and worried that we're being cancelled. And then Tuesday. Tuesday was all highs, but of course, I went in thinking we were going to be cancelled, and even dragged Mr. Ax along for the appt, "Honey, don't you want to be there for when Dr. Swami cancels us?" Only to find out that cancellation was not imminent. In fact, follicles were growing.

I have to credit Mr. Ax with noticing that this was the FIRST time we've left Dr. Swami's office with good news. News so good, that we actually considered skipping our Krispy Kreme ritual on the way home. But we did stop afterall, and I gotta tell you, Krispy Kreme's taste even better when your heart is full of happiness.

Today, is rather blah. Went in for an early morning ultrasound (and when I say early, I mean 7:15. Which means that I got up at 5:30, to leave here at 6:15. I rather mind waking up earlier than all of the neighbors who actually have jobs to go to where they get paid. my job, vaginal ultrasounds twice per week, not so great) and not much change in the follicles from Tuesday. I'll know more this afternoon when my blood work comes back. At last count, my e2 was at 90. It should be around 120, but not too worried, as long as it creeps up.

Twits and Tits

2006-09-21T20:48:00.000-06:00

Last week, Swami's office requested that I update my annual pap smear/boob mashing. Seems like I just had one.. but after calling my OB/GYN and having them double check their records (No, really.. can you check that last appt again? Cos I'm sure he shoved something up there and swirled around a bit). Apparently, I'm just losing track of who's been up in my vajajay and for what purpose.

So, I was able to get a last minute appointment with the Nurse Practitioner/NP (who I really liked, very cool woman) and low and behold.. what did she discover? A lump. In my boob.

Now, I have an image in my mind of how most women react to such news while sitting in an exam table, essentially naked save that thn robe that seems to have a mind of its own. It goes something like this:

"WHAT?! Oh. My. God. How bigisitwhereisitisitcancerwhatdoIdo?"

My response was a little less enthusiastic: "Oh, ok. I guess I ought to get that checked out." At first NP was unconvinced that I understood the importance of having this thoroughly checked out ASAP. She also emphasized that a clear mammogram and boob ultrasound was not sufficient. I have to see a "boob surgeon" (Boobologist?) and have the lump, poked, prodded, aspirated, biopsied or cut out. She provided names and numbers and again re-emphasized the importance of it all, especially considering our IVF starts next week. I felt the need to explain, see.. um.. I'm all spent right now. Emotionally and physically. Thanks to school and IVF. I really just don't have the time, nor the energy to break down and freak out.

So, I made my appts from the lobby of the OB's office. Thankfully, both the imaging center and the Boobologist are able to see me right away. My first appt is Monday with the imaging center and then the boobiewoman on Wednesday morning.

And then I immediately headed off to school for a course in Qualitative Research Methods, where I am expected this evening to deliver a presentation on Sampling Selection as part of a larger presentation with two other students. And Girls, I'm super prepared. I mean, I really am. I am all set to go. My slides were ready on MONDAY and I reviewed them this morning along with all of my neat little talking points mapped out.

I started off our presentation and got through about 4 slides of the 14 that I needed to cover before realizing that I was totally unfocused. I couldn't remember what the hell I was talking about. So, I stopped for a second to compose myself and then the fucking stupidiest, most humiliating thing happened. Tears welled up in my eyes and I had to excuse myself FROM THE ROOM, where I proceeded to hide in the bathroom and cry. And then I got pissed off at myself for my lack of self control, and then I cried some more. My stupid face gets really red and splotchy when I cry and it seems to take forever to go away.. So, my body wants to cry, my head is refusing to let it happen (this little war has been going on for the last few months). I managed to make it through class without having to finish my presentation and my professor and group mates were understanding. But I have to be honest, I was horrified that my classmates would leave thinking that I had a mini-breakdown from the stress of presenting. I'd rather share my personal medical shit with almost strangers than have them think that I am inept. So, I did share with the few that saw me crying in the bathroom and they were most supportive. But still. I'm sure someone went home tonite and told their spouse/roommate/fuck buddy, "Oh. My. God. This girl in class today, TOTALLY lost it when presenting. What a twit!"

More tomorrow, cos I have to get busy with some reading. Also, received over 90 syringes in the mail today along with enough injectible medicine to start a smallish pharmacy out of our guest bathroom. I'll take a picture and post it.

A little case of sour grapes

2006-09-14T14:35:00.000-06:00

If beauty is REALLY on the inside, then holy shite... I'm hideous today. Hideous. Hideous. Hideous. Gawd. I hate everyone today. People are stupid fuckity fucks and I'm in the mood to let everyone know exactly why and better, how they can fix their fuckity fuck problem. Mr. Ax has taken to calling me Little Miss Anthropy (a play on the word misanthropist and anthropology).

Here are the highlights of today, and it's only 2pm:

First: I don't care how awesome your embryologist is.. he/she ought not stink (and I'm talkin' about the smelly, not sucky sort of stink). He/she especially should not stink if you and your DH have to sit in a insty winsty teeny tiny room with this smelly person for over an hour discussing how embryologists make babies (which was a total waste of time anyhow, because this info was for the most part, redundant).

Second: Dont' bring your gdamn kid to the Reproductive Endocrinologists (RE) office. Seriously. This is so fucking rude and it amazes me that our RE's office does not have an explicit policy on this sort of thing. It's bad enough for me, someone who hasn't been to the left side of the menu of services offered by Dr. Swami and Friends (which includes: miscarriage, DNC, and negative beta -- um.. that's when your IVF goes belly-up and your embryo is on its way down the toilet), but for those women who have experienced all of these things in the RE's office, it just feels gawd awful to walk out into the waiting area and see kids climbing on furniture, howling, pooping or otherwise being "cute."

Third: As an IVF RN, you should be compassionate and warm. I don't care how many infertile women they deal with daily, annually, and throughout their career. A little warmth and understanding is expected. When I am upset and crying because I've been sitting in a waiting room in a RE's office with two kids climbing all over, and another patient at the counter who triumphantly exclaims: "We need to make our first OB appointment" do not think that I need you to hug me. I just met you, bitch. And when I tell you, "I don't want you to hug me" do not get all huffy. Need I remind you that you are in a medical field and just because your office gets all kinds of interesting access to my "parts" and "privates", when my pants are ON I expect that all of the rules regarding spatial boundaries are in effect.

Some clarification needed and asking for support

2006-09-08T12:34:00.000-06:00

I thought I ought to clarify something about our decision to go for one round of IVF and if all goes to pot, move ahead with adoption. I would hate for people to think that we are entering adoption with as cavalier attitude as it sounds (as in, we're of the if you can't have your own, then you should just adopt mentality). Mr. Ax and I have always wanted to adopt a child, but we never agreed on whether we should first adopt, or first try having one of our own genes. Well, as my endometriosis progressed, it became clear that having one with his smile and my fabulous hair was quickly becoming NOT an option. My disease helped force a decision about ART that we felt unprepared to make. What I've realized is that infertility can change you in a short period of time and this can be very unsettling.

I'm moving towards making this blog a place where a few invited friends and family can come to keep up with our adventure. I have a hard time asking for support or help and my hope is that by keeping the blog updated, I can keep those in the know informed and only have to go over the details once and also let you guys know that I do need support and this is how you can help. Checking in with the blog, commenting or sending an email is helpful and appreciated. Calling to speak with Mr. Ax or me after a procedure or surgery, not necessarily to discuss the details but to let me know that you're thinking of us is IMMENSELY helpful.

Here's what's not (and these are kind of the ground rules for dealing with most folks experiencing infertility):
Telling us....
- it's ok, you can always adopt
- or just relax and have lots of sex
- it will work out in God's time, not your own
- any suggestions on bedroom behaviours, positions, dirty diapers under beds, etc. (All wonderful stuff I'm sure, but we're not making babies the old fashioned, or free way. There's no sex involved.)
- how you know it will work out, and we'll be taking a baby home.
- how my life is otherwise wonderful, and I ought to be thankful for all that I already have (because I know that it is, I already am).
- Be grateful you don't have kids... (they suck the life out of you, are expensive, etc etc blah blah blah)
- Call me with news of someone else's pregnancy or birth of their child when this person or couple is not an immediate friend or family member of ours.

And finally, and especially..
- Telling us you don't agree with a particular treatment, or are concerned with our treatement plan unless you are:
1. A Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE)
2. An IVF nurse
3. or have gone through IVF yourself

I hope those reading this will understand that I'm not trying to be bitchy, rather these are the things that a lot of people who are not experienced with infertility will say or do assuming they are being supportive and helpful. And I think most people have good intentions.. they want to help and know what to say. Unfortunately, the types of remarks above are the most common dished out and they happen to be those that make most infertile couples whince with frustration and pain. They're the kind of remarks that create bigger boundaries rather than tearing them down.

Getting down to bidness with the Swami

2006-09-06T22:52:00.001-06:00

So much for blogging on a regular basis, eh? Thank goodness my non-existent readership is so patient and understanding! Suffice to say that the past two weeks (ok, well almost three weeks) have been very.effin.busy.

We met with Dr. Swami to discuss our first round of IVF, post-surgery meet-up. In a nutshell, here's our stats going in:

Our success rate for IVF: 20%
Our chance of being cancelled: between 30% and 40%

Keeping in mind that "success rate" as defined by our RE is something along the lines of, "did not miscarry before such-and-such date post transfer" and does NOT mean, you take home a live baby. I suppose that I could look at the dismal cancellation statistics and say, "well, jeez, Asha, you have a 60-70% chance of NOT being cancelled." Dr. Swami is amused by my dilligence in trying to view my statistics in a light that is um.. dang, what's the word? more upfliting? Positive? Truth be told, the stats don't really matter. I read a blog out there that said something to the effect of, when you're going through it, your statistics are either 0% or a 100%. All of the stuff inbetween doesn't matter much.

I almost forgot to mention that he nearly fell out of his leather and brass studded chair when I asked about the likelihood of developing OHSS. And I quote the sentiment and not the words, "If we can stimulate your ovaries to the point where you develop OHSS, then I'm going to be pretty dang excited.. cos it means that there's something left in your ovaries to stimulate. Actually, OHSS wouldn't be the worst thing ever."

On the brighter side, it's been almost a week since I've ruined a pair of undies with freaky post-surgery bleeding. I am taking a low hormone BCP this month in preparation for our first cycle which starts in October. I was particular *excited* to learn that part of my protocol will include taking a med that is typically prescribed for breast cancer patients. If I were a better blogger, I'd have my sheets and nifty flow charts drafted by Dr. Swami infront of me, and I would actually tell you the name of this particular drug, and probably provide a link. Yeah, well.. those sheets are downstairs. Or maybe somewhere in my desk that is cluttered with binders, pdf printouts, post-its (they are migrating towards the walls) and starbucks napkins that currently litter my office. Sad, isn't it? The last thing I have time to research right now, thanks to week 3 of graduate school and still don't have a handle on the mother-tome of reading I have each week, is IVF. And really, is there reason to go gung ho on this? Mr. Ax and I have agreed to go for one round and see if the twice daily injections actually make it to stimualted ovaries that produce eggs. I have no expectation that I'm going to get past the stims. And before you tell me to "think positive" this isn't about fatalistic, negative thinking. I do have to be realistic. We might never make it to the embryo stage because I might not have eggs that are worth anything for making babies. And if that's the case, the plan is to move straight to adoption.

On the happy side, both Mr. Ax and I really like Dr. Swami. On another happy note, a few of my girlfriends, the ones that really know what's going on have been in touch. I guess we all handle things a bit differently and I need to be open to seeing things in shades of grey, rather than black and white. We all have our own shit. However, I did decide to start seeing a therapist in conjunction with IVF. This is largely in part to not feeling as though I have a genuine support network amongst some of my friends and family. I think that they really try -- but just don't know what to say, or have limited knowledge on the subject and I feel like I am constantly in educator mode among them and trying to keep their spirits up about our situation, "Oh, it's not that bad. Really.. 20% is a good statistic, considering the chances of us conceiving on our own is currently 0% for any given month." and then having to explain why that is, etc etc etc. And it's not that I mind explaining all the nitty gritty details.. it's just that sometimes I need to be able to speak with someone who knows exactly of what I speak, who understands that it isn't about relaxing, or being positive, or having a glass of wine and jumping in the sack with Mr. Ax, or that my troubles are because this is my fair share of sorrow due to my otherwise fabulous life.

Bring in the clowns

2006-08-18T12:36:00.000-06:00

I can be amazing at time management when I have a lot to do. It's incredible, really, I could win awards. Even the Mr. Ax is awed by my finely tuned skills when I'm in high gear. Juggling three things at once is for sissies. How many things can I manage with success! before ruining the show? The critical word here is CAN. Unfortunately, when I don't have a lot to do, my time management frankly, rots. Years of running myself into the ground trying to balance work, school and life has made it difficult for me to manage my time when I've got nothing but time. Like now. As none of you know, I left my career in HR last Feb (2005) to pursue a new career in academia and anthropology and I haven't worked outside the house. Understand, this is a much needed break and I'm not about to apologize for it. So, if you have snarky things to say about how hard my life must be because the Mr. Ax and our savings (that I worked my ass off to contribute to) are supporting us, you can piss off (Oooo.. my first outlashing at my non-existent readership -- I got a tingle!).

All wonderful stuff, you say, but what's this got to do with anything?

Classes start next week. This is my first official semester in my MA program and I'm a bit concerned about the workload that I've imposed upon myself and it's only 3 measly courses. Most students in the program are working and take at least three years (1-2 classes per semester) to complete the MA. Since I am interested in going on for a PhD, I am motivated to finish the MA in two years, therefore, 3 courses. I'm also starting a volunteer role with a local museum and starting IVF in September. Oh, and I should mention that Mr. Ax is starting an executive MBA program this fall as well. We're degree hungry weirdos. The difference is that his degrees will actually help him land an even better position earning more $$, more responsibility etc etc., whereas my degrees are pretty useless in the world of employment and paychecks. I'm concerned that I won't be able to manage it all and do all of it well. I think it's normal to worry. I know I'll be fine and kick into high gear.. Just haven't felt that kick and a 12 page syllabus (one course!) is already posted with a bizzillion reading assignments.

Pissed and Bleeding

2006-08-17T08:58:00.000-06:00

and high on oxycodon, but that's not the point, really. I waiver between feeling like I'm walking on marshmallows and intense nausea. I had my third surgery on Monday and although physically, I'm feeling decent, what I want to know is..

where the f@ck are all of my girlfriends?

You know, the girls that I've been friends with over the last 7+ years? The ones who knew about my surgery and haven't bothered to call or email or otherwise check-in to see how I am doing? Yeah. um those. On the upside, the friends that I've made since our move to Denver last year have been really wonderful and supportive and I'm thankful for them. It's enough to deal with your own fertility issues, but to top it off with questioning the sincerity of friendships you've cultivated over the years is too overwhelming right now. I'm acknowledging that these women have let me down and I'm moving on from feeling bad about it.

The good news: I have a sliver of my right ovary remaining, and my left is still intact except now missing the hemorrhaghic (non-endometrioma) cyst--UPDATE: Well, sort of. As it turns out, I have about 50% of my left ovary.-- My abdomen looks like a battle ground, with scars from three previous surgeries and excised endometriomas. It's painfully bloated and I haven't crapped since the Sunday/Monday Fleets incident (and truth be told, I'm rather fond of my dailyies). Most concerning tho, is the slow stream of blood dripping from my vajayjay. I know it's normal and to be expected, I know why it's bleeding and the procedure that caused it, but it's dang uncomfortable. Apparently, I shouldn't be surprised if I continue to bleed well into my next period, which is 2 weeks away (ha ha.. a whole new twist on the 2ww).

Appointment with Dr. Swami on the 31st to discuss road map for IVF Round 1.