Friday, November 03, 2006

Closing it down

Hi all,

I am closing down my blog on Sunday. There are a few reasons for this, primarily because I don't have time for much blogging right now. Another reason is that I really don't feel comfortable being out and about in the IF blogging world. I think I'm too sensitive for this type of anonymous relationship with people that I don't know.

I read a comment posted on another reader's blog that stated those of us IF's with postive betas make it sound so simple. I really really really resent this remark.. this way of thinking that is so counter to what I expected from other infertiles. It was sort of an eye opener. I truly believe that everyone has an energy that they transmit. In reading this comment, I felt for the first time a negative energy when I was expecting something positive. I mean, I really felt it and it doesn't feel good. So, I'm retreating a bit because I don't think that my life needs to be an open read for people with this kind of mean and negative energy.

So, here's my last bit of openness.. my timeline with IF, or how fucking simple it has been for me over the last 3 years:

09/03: Two trips to the emergency room experiencing god awful pain. During the first trip, I think I have appendicitis. After a variety of intrusive, painful and embarasssing procedures, I am told they cannot rule out appendicitis because my appendix is not viewable due to the very large endometrioma blocking the view. In the second visit, I am there because I am convinced the endometrioma has ruptured. More blinding pain, intravenous narcotics.

10/03: Laparotomy (as in the full abdominal surgery that left me with a six inch scar above my pubic bone) to remove the endometrioma that is the size of a baseball. I spend three days in the hospital. My bloodpressure falls to scary levels. I have an echocardiogram that reveals MVP. I spend six plus weeks recovering. Initially, I cannot get out of bed on my own, shower alone, or even put on my underwear without Mr. Ax's help. I use a pillow against my stomach everytime I have to use the bathroom.

08/05: Diagnosed with another endometrioma and likely other bits of endo attached to internal organs. In between diagnosis and surgery, I make another trip to the ER. Only this time, I am pulled off the highway in an ambulance. The very hot and dreamy ambulance guys think I have a kidney stone. I think the cyst has burst. In the hospital I am given IV meds, the most powerful painkillers they have. I find out that the cysts--- there are actually two, one on each ovary, are still intact. What I have is a bad case of gas. Yes. Gas.

09/05: Laparoscopy to remove endometriomas and more endo on various internal organs. Some ovarian tissue is lost, but we are still hopeful that we will get pregnant if only we time intercourse with those ovulation predictor kits.

I pee on those sticks for months.

06/06: Failed round of clomid with an IUI. My ovaries didn't really respond to clomid. I am diagnosed wiht Premature ovarian failure with an FSH of 14. My RE asks if we're interested in donor eggs. Instead, we opt for one and only one round of IVF. But before we get started, I have another surgery!

08/06: Laparoscopy to remove more endometriomas, scar tissue, adhesions. I lose more than 1/2 of my ovaries. My right side is literally a sliver of ovarian tissue. The left is a little less than half. RE tells me that if we weren't TTC, he would have removed my ovaries, at least my right during this surgery. Instead, he left as much as he could hoping the tissue will have something redeeming left.

09/06: Prep for IVF with the second round of BCP I've taken in my entire life.

10/06: Start IVF injections. I am a slow responder. One of the RE's in the practice starts talking to us about canceling the cycle. He thinks that IVF is our own possibility for getting pregnant and that my tubes are probably not working right (as in grabbing the egg after ovulation) because of the scar tissue on the tubes. We think this is a good possibility, too. But we ignore him and continue on. We are devastated for a few days following our appt with him.
My regular RE wants to keep going. He just wants one good egg. I really wanted four, but in the end, we only got one mature egg out of about 8 follicles. I cry.

I'm sure you can imagine the emotional shit through all of this. Let's take a minute and look at the financial stuff. Every time I have a surgery, we hit our out of pocket maximum for the year with our insurance. So, while this means that they start paying 100% for everything afterwards, it also means that we have to pay, about $2500 a year for my medical stuff. So, at this point we have spent close to $7500 just to have my ovaries removed, cleaned up, and prepared to get the ONE good egg that has gotten us this far pregnant.

The $7500 does not include prescriptions (I have a mini-pharmacy of meds) and it does not include the thousands we had to cough up in cash for our one round of IVF (our insurance has a little bit of IVF coverage, enough for about 1/2 of one cycle).

This post is starting to head toward the direction of being the one where I do NOT talk about survivor's guilt (where you feel bad that you got pregnant while your IF friends are still struggling). I don't feel guilty. I do wish success for everyone that has to experience the pain and loss of infertility. I wish no one had to experience it because it sucks. But I do not feel guilty that I am currently 5w2d pregnant. In fact, I am enjoying every single day that I get to be pregnant with this embryo. It may not last the full 9 months, but everyday of it will be focused on happiness and gratitude rather than worry and guilt.


Blogger not so fertile girl said...

Oh, I so hope that my comment on my blog about being happy for you yet sad for myself did not cause you pain. I did not mean it too and would never want to hurt one of my cycle sistas. I know that the comment that your were refering too was made in responce to my "feeling sad for me" blog entry.
I am so sorry that you feel that you need to pull away. I wish you blessings on your pregnancy and I am truely happy for you.

3/11/06 12:24 PM  
Blogger abvivanco said...

Hey Chica, Sorry to hear that the blog is going down.. That's the only thing that made me feel like we were still neighbors and that I was able to be involved in this wonderful time of you being pregnant. So guess what this means?? A whole lot more times of me calling you LATE while I'm enjoying my ciggies and wine :) And don't feel bad for anyone else.. This is such a positive thing and you have been thru alot and don't let anyone send their negative energy your way or to that little sweet embryo growing inside of you!! It's a miracle and that should never be looked at in a negative way.. FYI- Still need your home address I have alittle something to send you :) Lots of love from us in Cali!!!

3/11/06 12:41 PM  
Blogger Makariya said...

I’m really sorry that you had to experience this negativity from one of our sister infertile’s comments. I agree that this is very unsettling to read this from someone who is infertile but I also belief because it is from someone who is infertile that it was said as consolation and wasn’t meant to be so insensitive. But what’s done is done. I’m really sorry that you decided to close down your blog especially because it sounds like you may still be here if not for that post. After reading your post I realized that the real reason I blog is to get it out of my system, to let it go out there so that it is not bottled up inside. Not a lot of people know what we are going through and besides my DH there is no one else who I can share my feelings, anxieties and worries with. Hope you will change your mind and at least post occasionally to update us on your situation. Good luck with your pregnancy!!!

4/11/06 6:16 PM  

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