Wednesday, November 15, 2006

First U/S: Results


We saw and heard the heartbeat: 134 bpm. Happy Embryo is measuring at 7w2d (a bit of an overachiever, since I am exactly 7 weeks today. But I'm not complaining). Everything looks really good. Dr. Swami isn't releasing me to the care of my OB just yet -- not because he has any concerns, just that he wants to see this through as far as he can. Also, IF something goes wrong, I'd rather Swami handle my care instead of my OB/Gyn. As much a I really like my OB, and although I've been with him for over a year and he's performed one of my surgeries, it seems more appropriate to keep Swami involved if it goes tits up. I guess I'm not ready to transition either!

So, tonite, after class gets out, I am treating myself to a shopping trip at Gap Maternity for a pair of those jeans that don't look like maternity pants but have the promise of being a heck of a lot more comfortable than anything I currently own.

Friday, November 03, 2006

Closing it down

Hi all,

I am closing down my blog on Sunday. There are a few reasons for this, primarily because I don't have time for much blogging right now. Another reason is that I really don't feel comfortable being out and about in the IF blogging world. I think I'm too sensitive for this type of anonymous relationship with people that I don't know.

I read a comment posted on another reader's blog that stated those of us IF's with postive betas make it sound so simple. I really really really resent this remark.. this way of thinking that is so counter to what I expected from other infertiles. It was sort of an eye opener. I truly believe that everyone has an energy that they transmit. In reading this comment, I felt for the first time a negative energy when I was expecting something positive. I mean, I really felt it and it doesn't feel good. So, I'm retreating a bit because I don't think that my life needs to be an open read for people with this kind of mean and negative energy.

So, here's my last bit of openness.. my timeline with IF, or how fucking simple it has been for me over the last 3 years:

09/03: Two trips to the emergency room experiencing god awful pain. During the first trip, I think I have appendicitis. After a variety of intrusive, painful and embarasssing procedures, I am told they cannot rule out appendicitis because my appendix is not viewable due to the very large endometrioma blocking the view. In the second visit, I am there because I am convinced the endometrioma has ruptured. More blinding pain, intravenous narcotics.

10/03: Laparotomy (as in the full abdominal surgery that left me with a six inch scar above my pubic bone) to remove the endometrioma that is the size of a baseball. I spend three days in the hospital. My bloodpressure falls to scary levels. I have an echocardiogram that reveals MVP. I spend six plus weeks recovering. Initially, I cannot get out of bed on my own, shower alone, or even put on my underwear without Mr. Ax's help. I use a pillow against my stomach everytime I have to use the bathroom.

08/05: Diagnosed with another endometrioma and likely other bits of endo attached to internal organs. In between diagnosis and surgery, I make another trip to the ER. Only this time, I am pulled off the highway in an ambulance. The very hot and dreamy ambulance guys think I have a kidney stone. I think the cyst has burst. In the hospital I am given IV meds, the most powerful painkillers they have. I find out that the cysts--- there are actually two, one on each ovary, are still intact. What I have is a bad case of gas. Yes. Gas.

09/05: Laparoscopy to remove endometriomas and more endo on various internal organs. Some ovarian tissue is lost, but we are still hopeful that we will get pregnant if only we time intercourse with those ovulation predictor kits.

I pee on those sticks for months.

06/06: Failed round of clomid with an IUI. My ovaries didn't really respond to clomid. I am diagnosed wiht Premature ovarian failure with an FSH of 14. My RE asks if we're interested in donor eggs. Instead, we opt for one and only one round of IVF. But before we get started, I have another surgery!

08/06: Laparoscopy to remove more endometriomas, scar tissue, adhesions. I lose more than 1/2 of my ovaries. My right side is literally a sliver of ovarian tissue. The left is a little less than half. RE tells me that if we weren't TTC, he would have removed my ovaries, at least my right during this surgery. Instead, he left as much as he could hoping the tissue will have something redeeming left.

09/06: Prep for IVF with the second round of BCP I've taken in my entire life.

10/06: Start IVF injections. I am a slow responder. One of the RE's in the practice starts talking to us about canceling the cycle. He thinks that IVF is our own possibility for getting pregnant and that my tubes are probably not working right (as in grabbing the egg after ovulation) because of the scar tissue on the tubes. We think this is a good possibility, too. But we ignore him and continue on. We are devastated for a few days following our appt with him.
My regular RE wants to keep going. He just wants one good egg. I really wanted four, but in the end, we only got one mature egg out of about 8 follicles. I cry.

I'm sure you can imagine the emotional shit through all of this. Let's take a minute and look at the financial stuff. Every time I have a surgery, we hit our out of pocket maximum for the year with our insurance. So, while this means that they start paying 100% for everything afterwards, it also means that we have to pay, about $2500 a year for my medical stuff. So, at this point we have spent close to $7500 just to have my ovaries removed, cleaned up, and prepared to get the ONE good egg that has gotten us this far pregnant.

The $7500 does not include prescriptions (I have a mini-pharmacy of meds) and it does not include the thousands we had to cough up in cash for our one round of IVF (our insurance has a little bit of IVF coverage, enough for about 1/2 of one cycle).

This post is starting to head toward the direction of being the one where I do NOT talk about survivor's guilt (where you feel bad that you got pregnant while your IF friends are still struggling). I don't feel guilty. I do wish success for everyone that has to experience the pain and loss of infertility. I wish no one had to experience it because it sucks. But I do not feel guilty that I am currently 5w2d pregnant. In fact, I am enjoying every single day that I get to be pregnant with this embryo. It may not last the full 9 months, but everyday of it will be focused on happiness and gratitude rather than worry and guilt.