Thursday, September 21, 2006

Twits and Tits

Last week, Swami's office requested that I update my annual pap smear/boob mashing. Seems like I just had one.. but after calling my OB/GYN and having them double check their records (No, really.. can you check that last appt again? Cos I'm sure he shoved something up there and swirled around a bit). Apparently, I'm just losing track of who's been up in my vajajay and for what purpose.

So, I was able to get a last minute appointment with the Nurse Practitioner/NP (who I really liked, very cool woman) and low and behold.. what did she discover? A lump. In my boob.

Now, I have an image in my mind of how most women react to such news while sitting in an exam table, essentially naked save that thn robe that seems to have a mind of its own. It goes something like this:

"WHAT?! Oh. My. God. How bigisitwhereisitisitcancerwhatdoIdo?"

My response was a little less enthusiastic: "Oh, ok. I guess I ought to get that checked out." At first NP was unconvinced that I understood the importance of having this thoroughly checked out ASAP. She also emphasized that a clear mammogram and boob ultrasound was not sufficient. I have to see a "boob surgeon" (Boobologist?) and have the lump, poked, prodded, aspirated, biopsied or cut out. She provided names and numbers and again re-emphasized the importance of it all, especially considering our IVF starts next week. I felt the need to explain, see.. um.. I'm all spent right now. Emotionally and physically. Thanks to school and IVF. I really just don't have the time, nor the energy to break down and freak out.

So, I made my appts from the lobby of the OB's office. Thankfully, both the imaging center and the Boobologist are able to see me right away. My first appt is Monday with the imaging center and then the boobiewoman on Wednesday morning.

And then I immediately headed off to school for a course in Qualitative Research Methods, where I am expected this evening to deliver a presentation on Sampling Selection as part of a larger presentation with two other students. And Girls, I'm super prepared. I mean, I really am. I am all set to go. My slides were ready on MONDAY and I reviewed them this morning along with all of my neat little talking points mapped out.

I started off our presentation and got through about 4 slides of the 14 that I needed to cover before realizing that I was totally unfocused. I couldn't remember what the hell I was talking about. So, I stopped for a second to compose myself and then the fucking stupidiest, most humiliating thing happened. Tears welled up in my eyes and I had to excuse myself FROM THE ROOM, where I proceeded to hide in the bathroom and cry. And then I got pissed off at myself for my lack of self control, and then I cried some more. My stupid face gets really red and splotchy when I cry and it seems to take forever to go away.. So, my body wants to cry, my head is refusing to let it happen (this little war has been going on for the last few months). I managed to make it through class without having to finish my presentation and my professor and group mates were understanding. But I have to be honest, I was horrified that my classmates would leave thinking that I had a mini-breakdown from the stress of presenting. I'd rather share my personal medical shit with almost strangers than have them think that I am inept. So, I did share with the few that saw me crying in the bathroom and they were most supportive. But still. I'm sure someone went home tonite and told their spouse/roommate/fuck buddy, "Oh. My. God. This girl in class today, TOTALLY lost it when presenting. What a twit!"

More tomorrow, cos I have to get busy with some reading. Also, received over 90 syringes in the mail today along with enough injectible medicine to start a smallish pharmacy out of our guest bathroom. I'll take a picture and post it.

0 Comments:

Post a Comment

<< Home