Friday, September 08, 2006

Some clarification needed and asking for support

I thought I ought to clarify something about our decision to go for one round of IVF and if all goes to pot, move ahead with adoption. I would hate for people to think that we are entering adoption with as cavalier attitude as it sounds (as in, we're of the if you can't have your own, then you should just adopt mentality). Mr. Ax and I have always wanted to adopt a child, but we never agreed on whether we should first adopt, or first try having one of our own genes. Well, as my endometriosis progressed, it became clear that having one with his smile and my fabulous hair was quickly becoming NOT an option. My disease helped force a decision about ART that we felt unprepared to make. What I've realized is that infertility can change you in a short period of time and this can be very unsettling.

I'm moving towards making this blog a place where a few invited friends and family can come to keep up with our adventure. I have a hard time asking for support or help and my hope is that by keeping the blog updated, I can keep those in the know informed and only have to go over the details once and also let you guys know that I do need support and this is how you can help. Checking in with the blog, commenting or sending an email is helpful and appreciated. Calling to speak with Mr. Ax or me after a procedure or surgery, not necessarily to discuss the details but to let me know that you're thinking of us is IMMENSELY helpful.

Here's what's not (and these are kind of the ground rules for dealing with most folks experiencing infertility):
Telling us....
- it's ok, you can always adopt
- or just relax and have lots of sex
- it will work out in God's time, not your own
- any suggestions on bedroom behaviours, positions, dirty diapers under beds, etc. (All wonderful stuff I'm sure, but we're not making babies the old fashioned, or free way. There's no sex involved.)
- how you know it will work out, and we'll be taking a baby home.
- how my life is otherwise wonderful, and I ought to be thankful for all that I already have (because I know that it is, I already am).
- Be grateful you don't have kids... (they suck the life out of you, are expensive, etc etc blah blah blah)
- Call me with news of someone else's pregnancy or birth of their child when this person or couple is not an immediate friend or family member of ours.

And finally, and especially..
- Telling us you don't agree with a particular treatment, or are concerned with our treatement plan unless you are:
1. A Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE)
2. An IVF nurse
3. or have gone through IVF yourself

I hope those reading this will understand that I'm not trying to be bitchy, rather these are the things that a lot of people who are not experienced with infertility will say or do assuming they are being supportive and helpful. And I think most people have good intentions.. they want to help and know what to say. Unfortunately, the types of remarks above are the most common dished out and they happen to be those that make most infertile couples whince with frustration and pain. They're the kind of remarks that create bigger boundaries rather than tearing them down.


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