Wednesday, September 06, 2006

Getting down to bidness with the Swami

So much for blogging on a regular basis, eh? Thank goodness my non-existent readership is so patient and understanding! Suffice to say that the past two weeks (ok, well almost three weeks) have been very.effin.busy.

We met with Dr. Swami to discuss our first round of IVF, post-surgery meet-up. In a nutshell, here's our stats going in:

Our success rate for IVF: 20%
Our chance of being cancelled: between 30% and 40%

Keeping in mind that "success rate" as defined by our RE is something along the lines of, "did not miscarry before such-and-such date post transfer" and does NOT mean, you take home a live baby. I suppose that I could look at the dismal cancellation statistics and say, "well, jeez, Asha, you have a 60-70% chance of NOT being cancelled." Dr. Swami is amused by my dilligence in trying to view my statistics in a light that is um.. dang, what's the word? more upfliting? Positive? Truth be told, the stats don't really matter. I read a blog out there that said something to the effect of, when you're going through it, your statistics are either 0% or a 100%. All of the stuff inbetween doesn't matter much.

I almost forgot to mention that he nearly fell out of his leather and brass studded chair when I asked about the likelihood of developing OHSS. And I quote the sentiment and not the words, "If we can stimulate your ovaries to the point where you develop OHSS, then I'm going to be pretty dang excited.. cos it means that there's something left in your ovaries to stimulate. Actually, OHSS wouldn't be the worst thing ever."

On the brighter side, it's been almost a week since I've ruined a pair of undies with freaky post-surgery bleeding. I am taking a low hormone BCP this month in preparation for our first cycle which starts in October. I was particular *excited* to learn that part of my protocol will include taking a med that is typically prescribed for breast cancer patients. If I were a better blogger, I'd have my sheets and nifty flow charts drafted by Dr. Swami infront of me, and I would actually tell you the name of this particular drug, and probably provide a link. Yeah, well.. those sheets are downstairs. Or maybe somewhere in my desk that is cluttered with binders, pdf printouts, post-its (they are migrating towards the walls) and starbucks napkins that currently litter my office. Sad, isn't it? The last thing I have time to research right now, thanks to week 3 of graduate school and still don't have a handle on the mother-tome of reading I have each week, is IVF. And really, is there reason to go gung ho on this? Mr. Ax and I have agreed to go for one round and see if the twice daily injections actually make it to stimualted ovaries that produce eggs. I have no expectation that I'm going to get past the stims. And before you tell me to "think positive" this isn't about fatalistic, negative thinking. I do have to be realistic. We might never make it to the embryo stage because I might not have eggs that are worth anything for making babies. And if that's the case, the plan is to move straight to adoption.

On the happy side, both Mr. Ax and I really like Dr. Swami. On another happy note, a few of my girlfriends, the ones that really know what's going on have been in touch. I guess we all handle things a bit differently and I need to be open to seeing things in shades of grey, rather than black and white. We all have our own shit. However, I did decide to start seeing a therapist in conjunction with IVF. This is largely in part to not feeling as though I have a genuine support network amongst some of my friends and family. I think that they really try -- but just don't know what to say, or have limited knowledge on the subject and I feel like I am constantly in educator mode among them and trying to keep their spirits up about our situation, "Oh, it's not that bad. Really.. 20% is a good statistic, considering the chances of us conceiving on our own is currently 0% for any given month." and then having to explain why that is, etc etc etc. And it's not that I mind explaining all the nitty gritty details.. it's just that sometimes I need to be able to speak with someone who knows exactly of what I speak, who understands that it isn't about relaxing, or being positive, or having a glass of wine and jumping in the sack with Mr. Ax, or that my troubles are because this is my fair share of sorrow due to my otherwise fabulous life.

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